I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
