You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
