I can't watch pbs sober anymore
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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