my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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