May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
