So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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