I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
