You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
