Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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