i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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