It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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