That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
