I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
