We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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