piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
