I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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