my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
