New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
