i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
