The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
