I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
