And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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