i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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