take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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