And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
