K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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