My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
