pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
