I seem to have left my pride at pride
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
And then he peed in my hair
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
