remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
