Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he fucked my hip out of place.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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