this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
