I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
