I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
