I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
