Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
