This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
