I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
