Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
