You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
