The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
