I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
