then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
