I cannot find my penis.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
