I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
