my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
