Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
