The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
