My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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