Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
