I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
